Disturbing news out of Huntington

What quietly started out as a fun idea to better inform female Marshall fans about the in's and out's of college football turned ugly yesterday. In the beginning, there was a lot of "rah rah" cheers, and seeing who could cheer the loudest. The coaches went over some of the rules of the game. Then when the coaches started discussing the price of each item the players wear , and the players took off that part of their uniform, chaos erupted!

The loudest ovations, as usual, were produced when players provided a visual image of their costly game-day equipment.

Item by item, Curtis Keyes, Ian O'Connor, Dennis Thornton and Brandon Souder removed helmets, jerseys and pads while graduate assistant Scott Wilks announced the corresponding price.

And with each piece of clothing that came off the women got more tense. Some even started reaching in their wallets to find spare one dollar bills. Until finally they couldn't take it any more!

"We want Dick! We want Dick!"

Realizing that things were getting out of hand, the Marshall NCAA compliance director leapt up on the stage and insisted on calm, and had the house music turned off. Quickly, several women grabbed the director and locked him in a broom closet. On her way back to her seat Louise Morris stopped to proclaim, "I'm 63 years old. This might be my last chance to see some real man-beef! You think I'm going to let some pencil-necked geek get between me and the goods?"

Quickly after, all media were forcibly removed from the conference room, and the loud thump of house music could be heard as the door slammed shut behind us.