1. Give the more zealous portion of your fanbase a religion. What's this cult following? Feel free to give the splitters a derogatory nickname.
Wow, is that the moonshine worshiping left or the whiskey bottle throwing right? Actually there is a new cult in the WVU family. These are the folks that say "National Championship" first thing when they get up, and last thing before they go to bed. Most have a "S" (Steve Slaton) tattooed on the back of each hand like Robert Mitchum in "The Night of the Hunter". This cross section of the fan base is eternally optimistic, and finally has somewhat of a reason to be. If we're going to give this cult a nickname, we'll go with Knights in Slaton's Service!! KISS, bitches!2. Your biggest rival is in town, and College Gameday is coming....to your citaaaaaaay... Create a blatant corporate sellout promotion to appeal to the mass unwashed.
What, like Brent Musburger saying Backyard Braaaaaaaaaaaaaaawl about 50 times in five minutes? Seriously, we both drink like it's going out of style, so maybe some tumblers with a steel worker and a coal miner locked in mortal combat on the side complete with cubes filled with blood that you stick in the freezer the night before the game. I mean, it's not like we really hate each other or anything, right?
3. Add one local delicacy to your stadium's concessions. Post-tax pricing is optional.
Let's see, your grade school cafeteria had a more original menu than the concessions at Mountaineer field. If it isn't a naco, and hot dog, or a pretzel, it doesn't exist! And for that reason, we're going with the pig in a blanket. Maybe about 10-12 PIB's covered in a hot honey bbq sauce. Just because....
4. With an unlimited AD budget, add or subtract one thing to your school's gameday experience that has nothing to do with football.
Unfortunately, I'm going to say we need to get rid of Cornholing moi pronto! That's for fuck...I mean buckeyes!5. Coin a hilariously unrealistic stereotype that you would like to "make stick" for this upcoming season.
This one really relies on what over rated/undertalented country act is used this year for college gameday. Let's see, could this be the year of the genius? Drinking game will be created and be the cause of death for no less than five college students this year that will drink every time Urban Meyer or Rich Rodriguez is called a genius.
6. Redesign your conference or independent schedule with reckless abandon. Be prepared to include compensation for jilted schools and conferences in your explanation.
Let's see, first we bring back Boston College and replace them in the ACC with UConn. Duke is happy in football to have someone they can play with on a yearly basis and the whole basketball thing that I don't care about anymore shifts the power back to the ACC. Next we get Penn St. just so I can hear Joe Pa say about Rodriguez, "He's a great coach with all this spread stuff. I like real butter myself but you can't tell these kids what to do." In compensation the Big 10 can call itself the Big 10 again.
7. Following up on your new realignment, blow up the BCS and devise a national playoff system, money grabs and missed exams be damned. Using your new fantasy conferences is optional.
Since I am a bastard that isn't really interested in playoffs, I say we go with the one team per conference in the playoff system. That way, you get someone from every conference in there and give the shaft to several team I probably hate anyway. The onus on scheduling a tough non-conference as well as being in a tough conference would be thrown right out the window. Let's be honest, we all want the original Southern Conference back together again, right?
8. Elect one public figure to replace NCAA president Myles Brand. Anyone with proper name recognition is eligible.
We at the Mountainlair would like to nominate Jesco White. If you want to talk about getting down to brass tacks and making things happen and never eating sloppy, slimy eggs again, Jesco is your man!
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