If I didn't point you in this direction, I just couldn't respect myself in the morning. Now, I don't want to be Mr. links-a-lot, but this piece on Deadspin is just to spray your monitor for! Now, what you spray it with is totally up to you, and if it doesn't come in a can, or out of a coffee pot, please don't tell me about it.
I don't want to spoil it for you, but it has mastubating, Carl Monday, Mike Cooper, and whole bunch of stuff you thought you would never hear of. That is before you heard mastubating, Carl Monday, and Mike Cooper in the same sentence.